To Ascend
by Kanadajin
Summary: Serries of humorous shorts about life in the star city of the Ancients, Atlantis, and its occupants. [mostly]One shots. WARNING: contents nosestreamingly funny. 'Ford's Mission' is up!
1. To Ascend

To Ascend or not to Ascend

* * *

He couldn't believe it!

He was dying!

It hurt. Oh Lord how it hurt, but it seemed numb…

When he was with her… it all seemed so unreal. Like watching someone else die.

"Rodney, you cannot hold back the tide with only the flickering light."

_Great!_

He was hallucinating!

Where did Elizabeth go?

"Who are you looking for?"

"Gee, I don't know… the love of my life, the meaning of life, a zpm… all such tempting options," Rodney shot back at her bitingly. "And yet, what I'd really like here is to stop. Me. From. _Dying!"_

"The knife cannot cut the light," she smiled at him with what could only be amusement, "despite how hard you try to reach the source."

He shook his head and threw his hands up in the air, "great! I've gone insane."

This time she laughed.

"You know what I'm saying, you do understand, but you have to let yourself be free."

Something clicked.

"**Oh GOD!** You want me to ascend!"

The Ancient woman smiled and nodded her head, "you are a quick study."

Rodney was almost giddy with excitement.

"This is wonderful, I can finally find all the answers to everything!"

She raised an eyebrow but quickly covered her surprise before the exhilarated scientists noticed. "You will be more than that, Rodney."

"Yeah, the whole white ball of energy… how does that happen, really?"

"You need to embrace the light…"

"I suppose that it would require a matrix of inequalities within the carbon structure to conjoin with another and the kinetic energy and potential energy to revert the intertransporal dimatriculation…"

"Open you mind to the complete and wholeness of the universe…"

"On a biological level it seems impossible, but physics says otherwise… lucky me! If the dark energy creature was any indication, there must have been considerable experimentation with ascension…"

"Let go the physical, allow yourself to move on…"

"And if those experiments were held here, then the Atlantis Ancients must have learned how to ascend before the ones that stayed on earth…"

"_Are you listening to me?"_

"Hm? What? Am I getting this right – your people returned to Earth and taught them to Ascend and, well, that's what you did after a few millennia hiding out…"

"_You aren't listening to me, Rodney. Rodney? **RODNEY**_!"

"So there must be some sort of time dilation between Pegasus and other galaxies…"

"**FORGET IT!** You're _hopeless_!"

"Hm?"

Carson breathed a sigh of relief as McKay's vital signs registered with that wonderful, steady beep beep beep… They'd almost lost the annoying bastard there!

Rodney groaned and opened an eye. Elizabeth, Sheppard, Teyla, Cason and the rest of the gang stood around him with worried looks on their faces.

"Hi… I thought I'm supposed to be dead."

They exchanged glances.

"No, really! There was an Ancient here telling me to open my mind and everything…"

Carson smiled and nodded, patting the astrophysicist on the shoulder.

"Of course, Rodney. Of course."

Rodney's jaw dropped. They thought he was nuts!

"I'm being serious! She was all white light and floaty, spouting gibberish about candles and tides and knives!"

Everyone smiled, nodded, and backed away slowly with little reassurances that everything was okay and he was going to be fine.

_Dammit,_ he thought, _I almost had the whole thing figured out, too!_


	2. Dr Doom

Dr. Doom

* * *

Doomed.

Yes, it's now official – Carson Beckett is a doomed man.

The exhausted Scotsman was facing a massacre and all he could do was hopelessly internally monologue as he stood at the head of the wave.

The wraith attack would be nothing compared to the slaughter he faced now.

Even now the first would-be-butchers stood before him.

"Doctor – my personal supply ran out… can I get some supplies here?"

Carson gritted his teeth, "no, lass, you'll have to beg from someone else."

"But shouldn't that stuff be in the med supplies?"

"Aye," he tried to smile and rubbed his stubbly chin, "but we'll be saving that for emergencies only."

There was no return smile from the disgruntled looking marine before him. She just glared, then seeing that the nervous doctor wouldn't supply her with what she needed she stormed out of the infirmary. A pale blue tinge was about the air around her.

"Oh dear God," he sighed as she left.

But no! There were two nurses nearby.

"Dr. Beckett – what happens when everyone's personal supplies run out? Will we provide them with… stuff?"

Carson looked at Lt. Rogers in shock, "are you suggestin' we set up black market?"

The two devious young nurses exchanged mischievous glances, and then nodded at the mollified doctor earnestly. "We've already been stockpiling a few supplies… some meds and stuff, you know, just incase."

Yes, any moment now he figured he'd either go numb on the left side or just simply start having seizures. Any moment now…

"Ladies, there's no currency here! Money's no good right now!"

"Coffee rations! Chocolate bars! We can set up a trading post in a secret location!"

His left hand twitched.

Was that a stroke?

"Oh God," He needed to sit down before he passed out. "Do you know how very wrong this is? It's terrible! I feel like some kind of a pimp or something."

"I think the word you're looking for is a dealer."

"You're not helping," he snapped at the two near hysterics nurses.

Rogers helped him to one of the beds and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you, Carson," she giggled.

Thompson, the one whom he'd thought was her twin sister, leaned over and kissed his other cheek. "You're a little Scottish angel!"

Maybe it wasn't so bad.

"Yes, loves, but if Dr Weir finds out about this…."

They laughed.

"Don't worry," cooed Rogers.

"She'll be one of our first customers," Thompson clung to his arm, "I'll bet."

Carson hung his head in defeat.

"I'm a dead man," he sighed.

Again, they laughed and kissed his cheeks, then ran off to do their dirty deeds.

It actually wasn't a bad solution, he thought suddenly. If there were a black market for the expedition's 'needy', there wouldn't be a line up of menstrual, moody, disgruntled women, many of whom carried side arms, waiting outside his office asking for supplies.

And Thompson and Rogers said they would make it worth his while.

Extra coffee rations, maybe chocolate… they _couldn't_ be talking about… could they?


	3. Getting Back At Sheppard

Getting Back At Sheppard

* * *

Why were people looking at her strangely?

They all knew her, so her presence among them shouldn't cause such a reaction.

Yet still nearly every single one of the humans from Earth had looked at Teyla with similar looks of… she didn't know what those looks were! Some seemed amused, others sheepish, some just shook their heads and avoided eye contact, and one strange man that Ford said was French began laughing at her to her face.

This was very strange.

Now as she neared the control room, people were avoiding her glances and hiding their faces from her. What was going on?

Teyla had to get to the bottom of this; Dr Weir would know what is happening with her people.

"Dr Weir," she called out to the woman.

Elizabeth looked up at her in surprise and visibly forced herself not to laugh.

"Dr Weir, something strange is going on. Is there something the matter?"

The control room crew were snickering and hiding their faces like everyone else, including Dr Weir. Was there some sort of chemical in the air causing this reaction?

Lieutenant Ford, who was sitting near her, was doubled over laughing.

"Aiden, what is it," she demanded of the young man, shaking his shoulder.

He looked up at her with a strait face for mere seconds before his composure broke and he started giggling madly. He shook his head, brushed away her hand and continued laughing like a lunatic.

She was quickly becoming mad.

She left the control room and headed to the medical lab, surely Dr Beckett would be able to tell her what was going on.

When she arrived at the infirmary, she was greeted with the same response, only this time the Scottish doctor couldn't even bring himself to answer any of her questions, he was laughing so heavily. Every now and then he'd wheeze, "oh, lass!" But no answers.

Now she was down to her last resort – McKay.

"Dr McKay," she knocked on his door and poked her head in. "May I speak with you for a moment?"

The distracted physicist didn't look up from his papers, but waved his hand and mumbled, "yeah, sure."

"Dr McKay," she paused, unsure as how to continue and thankful to finally find someone who would talk to her. "People are acting oddly. I believe them to have been drugged somehow."

Rodney barely glanced up from his papers.

"Good for them…"

"McKay, look at me! You're not paying attention this is serious! I believe this city may be under some sort of attack," she grasped his shoulder.

Rodney finally looked up, startled, and mouthed 'attack?' before cocking his head to the side and snickered. The snicker transformed from a little chuckle to a full-blown guffaw as she raised an eyebrow at him in annoyance.

"McKay, look at me!"

He looked up at her and broke into tears he was laughing so hard.

These Earthlings are insane, she thought angrily, moving away from the man who was gasping a panting for air between bursts of giggles.

The remainder of the day, Teyla hid in her quarters, away from the madness.

It wasn't the light was fading that she began to see her reflection in the glass window that overlooked the city. Something wasn't right.

She leaned closer and examined her mirror image in the glass.

She had only one eyebrow!

It went straight across her forehead!

Reaching up she rubbed at it and felt some transfer onto her fingers.

It was ink!

Desperately she wiped away the ink and murderously tried to remember when someone might have done this too her.

SHEPPARD!

She had fallen asleep in the lounge while they watched his beloved 'football'.

He must have done this while she slept!

Teyla's hands tightened into fists until her knuckles were white.

Yes, the major would pay for this!

So she began her scheme… to get back at Major John Sheppard.


	4. The Bar chapter one

The Bar - Chapter One

* * *

Setting down the last bottle, Aiden stepped back to admire his handiwork.

"Oh, yeah!"

The four glass shelves had been perfectly placed behind the long counter that ran along the north side of the room, and now they were adorned with containers of every size, colour, and shape imaginable. And filled all sorts of consumable goodness.

"Crap! Ford," Grodin groused from behind him, "come help me detangle these ice cycle lights. I swear – who ever brought these, and for what reason I still have no idea, didn't know how to coil these without tying knots in every wire. It's a mess!"

Aiden vaulted over the counter and landed next to a pile of bunched up Christmas lights.

"Who brought these?"

Grodin shrugged, "I found them outside my room with a note saying that we'd have more use for them. No signature."

"Wait," Aiden froze, "that means that someone else knows what we're doing!"

Peter snorted, "Come on! We've been stashing booze and pretzels for so long, I'd bet half the base knows that we're setting up shop. And its not like it's a big secret, anyways."

"Yeah, but we sorta haven't asked permission, and I don't know how Weir'll react to this," Aiden protested, tugging aggressively at a knotted wire. "She could have us stuck in the brig!"

"Oh, lighten up lieutenant! For all we know," Grodin grinned at the slightly peeved American, "Weir might have been the one that gave us the lights!"

Aiden thought about that one.

Sure, she might have… but why the heck would she have packed mini-lights?

No, it definitely wasn't Weir… but who knows?

Grodin saw the other man's disapproval disappear and smiled widely.

"So," he said offhandedly, "what are we going to name her?"

Ford raised an eyebrow.

"You want me to name it?"

* * *

I know - I said they'd be one shots, but this story can't be told in just one go.  
Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


	5. The Bar chapter two

The Bar - chapter two

* * *

"So lieutenant," Sheppard said casually, coming up from behind the snoozing Ford.

"What's this I hear about you and Grodin starting up a bar?"

Aiden nearly fell off the ledge of the balcony he'd been leaning on. Quickly recovering he spun around to nervously face his superior officer.

"Oh, um, sir… well, you see we were just kinda fooling around, sir…"

"Spit it out, Ford!"

"Well… I'm sorry sir. I know we should have asked," Aiden began spewing his confession and plea for forgivness but was cut off by a raised hand from Sheppard.

"Wow, look – Ford. I'm not mad," the major spread his hands out and made calming motions, "well, not at the fact that you didn't ask permission."

"Then what are you mad about?"

"Hey, who said I was mad – I'm just kinda ticked that you didn't let me in on it."

"Sir?"

"What! Why are you surprised that I'd want in on starting up a bar?"

Aiden thought about it.

"Actually," he said with a shrug and a grin, "it doesn't, sir."

Sheppard smiled and wrapped an arm around Aiden's shoulder, waving one arm out towards the horizon. "I see it already, Ford – the hottest night club on the planet!"

"Sir," he turned to Sheppard, "it's the only night club on the planet."

"See what I mean!"


	6. The Bar chapter three

The Bar - chapter three

* * *

The bar was coming along nicely!

Now that Sheppard and a few others had gotten involved in the project, they were working much faster and getting far more done than they had with only two people.

And now they also had few feminine interior-decorator wannabes getting the place all fancied up – they'd rearranged most of everything that Ford and Grodin had set up, and were bringing in all sorts of odds and ends for decorations. Athosian rugs, Yijuri urns and vases, some posters, paintings and other things from earth, and one wall entirely devoted to photographs of every member of the expedition.

One of the girls involved was a photographer and went sneaking around taking pictures of people when they were at unawares – making for some funny shots, including one of Kavanaugh with his finger firmly shoved up his nose.

Sheppard framed that one and hung in up in the centre of the wall next to the picture of Rodney sleeping with a power bar melted to his forehead and one of an 'unknown' couple wearing expressions that shrieked 'deer-caught-in-the-headlights'.

"Hey Ford!"

Aiden looked around to see who'd called him.

"What?"

"When's the grand opening?"

Aiden glanced expectantly at Peter who smiled and checked his watch.

"Who's on duty in the next few hours?"

No one raised his or her hands so the suave Englishman smiled and pulled out a mini bottle of vodka. "I guess we could christen it right now then!"

The gang lined up on the large balcony that wrapped around the entire spire the bar occupied and removed their hats as Grodin and Ford made their speeches then, moving a ways back, pitched the little bottle of vodka at the wall.

It shattered and vodka exploded across the outer wall of the bar, to the joking applause of the audience gathered.

"I now christen you," Ford announced, a sparkle in his eye.

"Oh great," Sheppard whispered to the girl laughing next to him, "who let him choose the name?"

"Aiden frowned at Sheppard, "for your information, Peter said I could! And I name this most sacred place of refuge…"

* * *

QUICK! People, tell me, what should he name the bar? 


	7. The Bar chapter four

The Bar - Chapter 4

* * *

"Christ, Grodin! Why did you let Ford name the bar?"

"Sorry major, I guess I just wasn't thinking," Peter smothered a grin as he stood next to the scowling Sheppard. "It's not that bad… it could be worse."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at the lettering scrawled in what looked like crayon over the entrance. "You sure about that?"

With a smile, Peter turned and entered the slowly filling bar, making his way to his coveted new job – bartender. He'd wanted to start a bar since he watched 'Cocktail' on the flight to Cheyenne Mountain.

Aiden was there already, mixing a few drinks for the cute giggling scientists that were seated along the bar.

"Hey Ford," he tattled as he reached for a bottle of sourpuss, "Sheppard doesn't think too much of your choice of name."

The young marine laughed, "I figured that one out at the christening."

The bar filled and someone started pumping the music.

A party was underway.

Sheppard finally decided to relax, making his way out to the dance floor and started putting the moves on Teyla who was enjoying not only the dancing and music, but also the margarita someone had mixed for her.

Rodney, who had been dragged up to the bar by one of his lab assistants, was in a corner with Zelenka, fiddling with the stereo to increase the sound quality.

"If we could use the intercom system somehow that'd make the sound quality crystal clear," Radek suggested.

"You're right, I just thought of that too," Rodney moved to the intercom panel and they started fiddling with the crystals.

Aiden and Peter were happily mixing all kinds of drinks for anyone that had something to trade – coffee rations, chocolate, there were even a few people with off world currency!

"What are we going to use this stuff for," Aiden waved some strange purple and orange paper money at Peter. "I don't even know which planet its from!"

"Keep if for a souvenir, I dono."

Suddenly the room went silent and the music seemed very quiet.

Standing in the doorway was Dr Weir with an incredulous look on her face.

"WHAT is going on here?"

Sheppard coughed and looked over at the two thunderstruck bartenders.

"Well, um, Dr Weir," he started nervously, "there's a good explanation for that and, um, Rodney would love to tell you all about it."

The scientist yelped as he was pushed forwards, "what?"

Weir looked at him with a stern glare.

"What? I didn't find out about this place until Lieutenant Forbes dragged me here! But I'm sure Teyla could tell you what's going on."

Now it was the Athosian woman's turn to gulp.

"Oh, Dr Weir… I believe that Lieutenant Ford should be the one to tell you."

"How did you find us," Aiden mumbled as he shrunk under Weir's imperious glower.

To everyone's surprise the leader of Atlantis grinned widely and pointed to the ceiling, "the music came over the intercom."

Back in the corner, Zelenka and McKay inconspicuously replaced the cover on the intercom and moved slowly away from it.

Grodin and Ford shifted awkwardly.

"So… you're not mad?"

The crowd held its breath,

Weir smiled.

"Not really…."

The crowd let out its breath with a simultaneous whoosh.

"But I would like to know why the hell you named it the Flaming Weir?"

Sheppard, Zelenka, McKay, Teyla, and nearly everyone else in the room broke out in fake coughs as Ford avoided eye contact and said, "cause it's the hottest thing on Atlantis."


	8. Ford's Mission

Lieutenant Ford had a mission.

He went to the science lab and saw Dr. McKay.

"Guess what, McKay." He chirped as he jumped up and down.

"What?"

Lieutenant Ford tackled the grumpy scientist and gave him a noogie.

"Chicken butt!"

As McKay yelled at him and shook his fist, Ford ran away to the Jumper Bay where he found Dr. Zelenka.

"Guess what, Zelenka!"

The Czech scientist looked up over his wire rimmed glasses and smiled at the happily bouncing Lieutenant.

"Vaht is it, Aiden?"

Once again, Ford tackled his prey, gave him a noogie, and shouted 'chicken butt' before running away to the Gate Room.

In the Gate Room he met Dr. Kavanaugh.

"Guess what, Kavanaugh!"

The rude, greasy, long haired scientist looked up, groaned, and shook his head at the excited soldier.

"I don't care, Ford," Kavanaugh sneered as he looked back at the readout he was pretending to look over for mistakes.

Ford ignored the scientist's rudeness, tackled him, pinned him down to the floor and cut off his pony tail while shouting 'chicken butt!'

Quickly, Ford ran away before Kavanaugh realized what he'd done.

Sneakily, he ran back to the mess hall where Teyla, Sheppard, Peter Grodin and a few others were waiting for him to get back.

"Did you do it?" They asked.

Triumphantly, Ford held up the nasty, greasy, amputated ponytail up above his head and cried out in a loud voice, "CHICKEN BUTT!"

The mess hall broke out into laughter only to replaced by a menacing silence.

"Lieutenant Ford, please come to the Control Room," a voice came in over the intercom.


End file.
